10 Years, 10 Lessons: What Marriage Taught Me About Everything

This week marks my 10th wedding anniversary to my wonderful, kind, and brilliant husband, David.

As I've been reflecting on this milestone, I've found myself reliving some of my favorite moments that still make me laugh out loud, and remembering those harder moments where we had to learn and grow together.

Before I put up my "out of office" notification this week and spend time with one of my most favorite people on the planet, I wanted to share 10 life lessons I've learned from 10 years of marriage. These lessons apply to my work, my friendships, my family, and honestly, just about everything I do. And full transparency: I'm still learning these, still working on them, and probably will be for the rest of my life.

1. Show Up, Every Time

This is first on the list for a reason. If you say you'll be there, be there. It's simple but it's everything. Whether it's a meeting, a coffee date with a friend, or a commitment to your partner, consistently showing up builds trust and trust is the foundation for everything else in life. Your relationships, your career, your reputation, all comes down to whether people can count on you. Show up. It matters.

2. Assume Positive Intent

I genuinely believe most people are doing the best they can and mean well. Even when conversations go sideways or something doesn't land quite right, starting from a place of assuming positive intent changes everything. Words get lost sometimes. People misspeak. Emails and texts are nearly impossible to interpret tone. Before you jump to being defensive or hurt, take a breath and assume the other person meant well. It keeps you open to communication and compromise instead of building walls.

3. Prioritize The Relationships That Matter Most

You've probably heard this before but at the end of your life, who do you want surrounding you? Your colleagues? Your family? Your closest friends? The answer to that question should tell you which relationships matter most to you and deserve your attention. This doesn't mean quit your job and spend all waking hours with your favorite people (we all have bills to pay after all), but when you have the option to spend another hour at the office 'catching up' or to spend that hour cooking dinner for your family and friends, make the choice that invests in the relationships you cherish.

4. Timing Is Everything

If it weren't for timing, I might never have met my husband. I was exactly where I needed to be at exactly the right moment. But timing isn't just about those big, life-changing moments. It's also about the little timings like knowing when to bring up a tough conversation and when to just relax and play. When to be a listener and when you need to talk about what's on your mind. When to shoulder the load and when to let others help you. Learning to read the room and the moment is one of the most valuable skills someone can have.

5. Self-Care Isn't Selfish

This goes way beyond cozy socks and spa days. If you aren't investing in your own mental health and happiness, you'll start looking externally to create that happiness for you - to relationships, jobs, or specific moments. That's a substantial amount of pressure to put on anything or anyone outside yourself. Your happiness is your responsibility first. When you take care of yourself, you'll bring your best self to the things you do and everything can flourish from there.

6. Do NOT Keep Calm and Carry On

When something isn't right, make the tough choice to change it. My husband and I have had to make gut-wrenching decisions when we knew something wasn't right. The easiest thing in those moments would be to bury our heads in the sand and "keep calm and carry on." But at what cost? How long can you 'carry on' before something becomes so burdensome that it doesn't set you up for long-term happiness? I know it's easier said than done, but don't hang onto plans, jobs, or relationships that are eroding your happiness just because changing it feels hard. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to not simply "carry on."

7. Get Your House in Order Before You Expand

Whether that expansion is buying a new house, getting married, having children, or hiring more team members for your company, you NEED to have your house in order first. This doesn't mean everything needs to be perfect, but if you're expecting that expansion to fix your problems, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You'll stretch yourselves too thin, put too much pressure on that new thing to make you happy, and create a painful road ahead. Get your house in order first so you're actually prepared to welcome the expansion so you can thrive, not just survive.

8. You NEED a Team When You Do Hard Things

Yes, sometimes you and your partner can handle hard things together. But when you're facing something really difficult, call in the reinforcements. Whether that's friends and family to help you through grief, therapists to help you make sense of complicated situations, neighbors to mow your lawn when you suddenly cannot, or professionals to help you plan that wedding, sell that house, guide you through that adoption, do your taxes, or coach you on your next career move. These are teams of people who are here to carry the load of hard things so that you don't have to do it alone.

9. Acknowledge Each Other's Bids

Relationship researcher John Gottman has this theory about "bids for connection" which he defined as the small, everyday attempts we make to gain attention or emotional engagement. How we respond matters: we can "turn toward" (engaging), "turn away" (ignoring), or "turn against" (responding negatively). Successful relationships are built on consistently turning toward each other's bids.

An example of this that was taking the internet by storm a few years ago was the "Bird Test," with partners pointing out birds to see how the other person responded to test whether their relationship would last. While I feel like making a judgement call about your relationship based on that interaction is a bold choice, the example is strong: The wife says, "Oh look, what a beautiful bird." The husband responds, "Oh yes, I see it. Very pretty," and they both go back to whatever they were doing before. He could have ignored her or told her not to interrupt him. But he turned toward her bid by acknowledging what mattered to her.

So when your spouse points out a bird, or a colleague does a deep sigh next to you while reading an email, both are bids for connection. Acknowledge them. Doing this consistently with all of your relationships build connections. When we turn away, we create distance and loneliness.

10. Tell People How Much You Love and Appreciate Them

Okay, before you go around getting an HR violation for telling everyone in your office you love them, I’m talking about telling people specifically why you appreciate them.

Your family and friends may already know you love them, but maybe they don't actually know what you appreciate about them. It doesn't hurt to tell them how much they mean to you. Maybe your colleague doesn't realize how much you appreciated the extra effort they put into that project or the fact that they checked on you after a tough meeting. Maybe your friend is feeling down on themselves and hearing from you could brighten their day. Maybe there's been a feeling of disconnect and this helps strengthen that connection.

Say it meaningfully. Say it specifically. Say it often.